For those of you who knows me today, might be shocked to hear that I was not a big fan of love and neither did I believed in God. The only thing I believed in was power of music and faith in flirting. A badass kid, too stubborn to admit his own emotions with sure as hell no chances of improvement. I was a good friend to few but, an admiral jerk to most. And I truly loved the way I was. But as it’s said something always changes...as change is the only thing that is permanent.
It all started from the 2nd month of fresher year in college. Of course my parents were still pissed cause I had let down a good college to jump into this endless abyss that is the field of computer. So anyways, one day during lunch time I saw this girl whom I had barely noticed in my over a month’s drill to find the most hottest girl in the college. She was not like the other girls. She was completely different, well, at least to me. She rolled her big perfect round shaped brown eyes towards me. My heart was beating twice the speed of my brain’s thinking. She was wearing a pink embroidered salvar suit elegantly put on with a light shaded dupatta. A bundle of her thin long hair was talking to the air, rest were placed on her right shoulder. It was so beautiful, for a second I wondered if it was my heart or the Pink Floyd song playing out of my ipod’s earpiece resting on my shoulder. Her pink lips made me wonder id there was a God after all, cause it can’t be hand crafted by anyone else but a supreme might. The first words to come out of those lips were "Excuse Me”. My heart went supernova, I babbled like a baby, not able enough to stick even a 'Hello' out. I just couldn’t stop looking at her. It’s not like I haven’t seen girls prettier than her but there was something about her that made me take the fall. With all this going on I barely knew that I was just another dorky guy blocking her way. I got myself together and got out of her way. My mind knew it was just normal but my heart knew it was something else, because it was the first time I was afraid to talk to a girl. I thought it was just some crush gone crazy, because it’s always lust at first sight. But soon I realized it’s more than just lust. Meanwhile I was the same old notorious guy; there wasn’t a single day when no one has complained about my prank in the college bus. I had been inside the principal’s office more than any of my senior. I guess reputation was building up.
One day, call it luck or destiny the girl I had feelings for was the new girl in my bus. I knew it was my chance but somehow deep inside I feared what if it’s just some sort of attraction. It was too early to even think if the feeling was mutual, because let’s face it I wasn’t the cutest guy around. In addition to this fact, I had lost interest in all the other girls and missed out making friends with them. She came to know me as the prankster who couldn’t care less for anyone’s feelings but his own. I had a small bunch of friends and even small window of error to screw it up. Someday I gathered the strength and walked up to her and talk. It was just some formal talk, soon enough it was okay to call us friends, but if it had to end at friendship I wouldn’t be here writing this up. According to her I had a great sense of humor, she laughed at every single statement I made or maybe she was just playing dumb, I mean who the hell laughs at a fake Guajarati accent hardly sounding as a joke. Yeah, I am Guajarati but don’t know language well enough, and the worst part was she knew this but acted as it was fine with her.
Days Passed. It was the Navratri night celebration at college, I am not that into Garba and all, yeah of course I am a Guajarati but I am not that kind of a Gujarati, yeah sure I suck, first being a Gujarati and then for dealing with my feelings. Anyways, there wasn’t a single moment my eyes weren’t on her. She was looking so damn beautiful that I loved her then and there. She wore a traditional Chaniya Choli with a dozen of bangles put on each of her arm, I had to admit she had a touch of elegance and postures of an angel, my angel, yes I was dreaming already, but what else I could have done. Her earrings were long and heavy and shiny. Her necklace was less lustrous, I thought it would have been her mother’s or actually her Granma’s . She had this thing in her hair, I don’t know what to call it elongated towards her forehead. There was a tiny little Nathani pierced through her nose that made my evening and surely my fare for the evening well spent. Finally at the end of celebrations I got into the bus early, I was feeling sleepy the whole night, so I grabbed a nice seat and crashed there. When I woke up the bus was packed up and couple of students were standing in front of me hoping I was going to make some room for their tired ass to rest. I moved sideways and the first one I let in was a senior girl well dressed in Gujarati traditional. I was not done talking to this girl and a voice penetrated my ear and suddenly my heartbeat jumped to the sky. I knew it can’t be anyone else. She asked me if she could sit next to me. I said to myself dude stay calm and don’t panic and softly refuse or you will be up all night again not sure where to put your freaking feelings, but if it was that easy, life would have been much simpler and less worth living, so in justice to my point the words slipped out “I was hoping you would”. I thought to myself "are you out of your freaking mind?". But as it turned out, that night was the best night I could have ever imagined. We had a good talk and I am not going to describe that here. The important thing is that we became good friends after that night. Random smiles and waving became common. My lunch time routine was to run to the canteen as soon as possible just to see her. It was going nice and slow. On the other hand exams were approaching. Surely it was not a matter to worry as compared to my never before feelings. It might have been the last day of the fresher year. I mean, of course the exams were due but it was the last day before the preparation leave. I don’t know how I gathered the strength to ask for her cell number. She just smiled and gave me the number saying just give me a missed call so I can have yours too. I never thought it can be this easy. Finally it was happening.
15 days to go for exam. I had tried to call her for 100th time for the day. But it was temporarily invalid. I texted her 4-5 times and finally forwarded her exam schedule which I wanted to give her over a voice call. After 1 hour or so I got a call from some unknown number. Holy shit man it was from her, as it turned out my texts or missed calls reached her somehow. She said that her SIM card’s validity has expired and she’s going to re-validate it within 2 days or so. Then we started talking on phone and it was mostly about studies. Days went on; we helped each other out and got through exams pretty well. Now it was the vacations and it was monsoon; our chats over the cell were increased exponentially. Moreover now it was turning to informal talks. We used to chat all night long and even more in the daytime. We hardly slept for more than 2 days. One night it was raining heavily, I don’t know what came to my mind I suddenly said “I love you”. She said we should go to bed right now, we haven’t slept for 2 nights. I thought she was pissed and I sensed that our friendship was in danger. But no damage had been done, next day she reacted like nothing had happened. She behaved as always but in the noon I got a text saying "ilu". Fuck man, it was not a dream, I literally fell off the bed, I dialed her number as soon as I can and ran off to the terrace. She picked up; before she could say anything I said I love you for more than 5 times. She tried to change the subject. But I kept on asking her if she loved me. I asked her why she sent me a text saying ilu. Now she had to say something for sure. She said of course I love you, you moron but the thing is that this kind of stuff is not allowed in our family. I said, then what the hell ilu meant? And the answer she gave me left me stoned, she said "I" means me "u" means you and "l" signifies a wall that is between us, that we can’t break, crack or even shake. A big giant that is made up of our caste differences, mentality, families, pride, reputations and lots of things we can’t even think of. My Father would prefer to watch me burned alive than to see me take a stand for the one I love, or in other words watch her daughter ripping apart her father’s reputation. I on the other side was completely blank unsure of how to put my jumbled thoughts into a sentence and make sense out of it. The only thing I was sure of was that I waited for this moment for so long and now it was here, there was no chance in hell I was going to blow it.
More in the next post.
More in the next post.
