Fucktards

Dealt with break-up. Free, I was free, just like any other single being out there. There were no constraints or boundaries. No more to care for. Its said that most awesome moments of life are best experienced when single. I thought as Barney said..an engineer, I build something out of nothing, just like God. And no one is hotter than God, so, any girl would fall for me. But why the hell I wasn't feeling that way? Why in the world do I keep punching myself with: dude its over, you are nothing more than the dirt in the dusk. You can never be what you were, and maybe it was true and now I know it is true once you step in this world you are never the same as the day before. Your older version is buried into the night and a new one arises with the morning sun. The things you do or don't decides your future. The choices you made don't just leave you alone. They follow you till the very end. It revolves around you time to time. The deja vu you witness on regular basis is just a glimpse of the choice that you didn't make. An alternate parallel universe exist for every choice you ever made and also for the road not taken. And this whole thing lead to a single dark hole known as abyss which, no one of us can ever escape. More importantly, at the moment I didn't had a choice. I thought I was approaching abyss. The pain was silent but able enough to kill at any instance. I lost my way of thinking, observing as well as talking. Confidence was long gone, and no where near returning. The only thing I can think of was the way my break up was executed by the so called God. The only talked about supreme being. And so, I am going to talk a lot about God in this particular blog. It was just 12th day and I had started loosing it. This break-up was getting on my nerves. I was really loosing it. Soon the magic in music was fading away. Everything that once looked beautiful to my eyes kept getting uglier day after other. But her face somehow kept getting much prettier day by day in my not much left conscious. And the desire of getting her back was off the rooftops and I feared that it might explode any second. Now it was over a month, I hadn't seen her for real. Moreover, I was most afraid to show her my face. I don't know why this kind of feeling housed me. But it kept punching me down deeper in to the ground. I stopped showing up at the collage. I locked myself into my home and hoped never to get out. I thought, by now everyone would've assumed that I was gone for good. My every moment passed wondering what she'd be doing? Would she be remembering me this very moment? Or is she over me and had all the memories flushed out of her system? What was going on her mind when she dumped me? Or did she really dumped me? Or was there some really messed up reason for us to part our ways? These all ridiculous questions bugged me throughout my healing process, which, is hard to refer as healing. But for the sake of this story lets have it this way.

Break-up with angel assured my break-up with my beloved cell phone which had become my second girlfriend ever since. And sooner we weren't sharing the same bed, nor it was found in my hands for more than a minute. I deliberately started missing each and every call appearing on my cell. My only communication link to the outer world was the old land line phone. Only a few of my friends had that number , yeah, obviously angel did too.

To take the edge off I registered on Facebook, currently the mother of all social networking websites. Finally, I had found a temporary remedy to suppress this hurt. I stayed logged in for almost 24 hours a day. Insomnia had hit me like a shovel, left me bleeding from head to toe. I always kept my chat status offline, in order to avoid any outer world contact. Thank God, I found 'Farmville' and 'Mafia Wars' , the small addictive games on Facebook that kept my mind functioning in such brutal situations. Yeah, I love games, each and every kind, from the yellow headed Pac-man to the bloody World of Warcraft. I spent most my time saving Mario's girlfriend when I was a young boy. After all video games are a poor substitute for life. Obviously, its better to have a poor substitute than to have none. All I needed was just a push from behind by some kind of inspiration. It would've been much better if it was to be a kick on the ass to give a jump start. But, when you need a thing the most, its never there.

There's one incident I would like to share with you guys, hope it helps you or rather inspires you in one way or the other. It helped me time to time, when I'm in a dark cold place.

Some of my school friends gathered to cheer me up. A lot of them didn't know what had happened since we all had been away. Many of them didn't even know I got committed in the first place. All that they knew was that I was feeling a bit low for some reason. And that is all they needed. Rascals somehow convinced me to go out for a movie giving me all “ for the sake of friendship” crap...notanki sale. And of course, I bought it. Dhrumil, was about to pick me up at a meeting point near the railway tracks, its close to my home, moreover, it was the farthest I can get if not on a vehicle. I slipped my chickeny legs into a dark black denim and threw on an off white short shirt, which I partially stuffed into my denim, leaving the upper second most button open. Which reminded me how angel always used to ask me or rather shout at me to button up that below collar button. Furthermore, I took a comb in my hand and looked at it for some seconds. I thought I had totally forgotten how to use this gadget. This also put angel's face in front of my eyes. I missed how she used to comb my messed up hair with her bare fingers. At the same time I felt a bit angry at myself for letting her go, being unable to stop her from leaving. So, I took the the comb and ran it through the barren land of my hair follicles over my head in a single breath. At times it made me scream as the comb teeth progressed through the cemented scalp. After a while, before leaving home, I felt like canceling the plan, but I didn't want to give fucktards any reason to scold me afterward. We all friends are so close that we always greet each others with a set of insults. So don't get any other out of the picture idea. And yeah you heard me right, “Fucktards” Is the word I used to refer to my school friends. In fact, my whole school friends group should be referred to as Fucktards, including me. Retarded in our own special way. Every single being on the group is only one of its kind. This made me take a trip down the memory lane and think of how crazy were the times we all had when together in school. Until this collage crap came and made us all move away. This seemed like a more appealing reason to meet up the guys. So I followed the plan. Unfortunately, my 4 more besties were away for some reasons. Tatla aka Nikhil was in jaipur preparing for his endsems. Gahlot aka Harshvardhan and Jambhale aka Abhishek were off to college and were not able to come. Bevda aka Bhajju aka Shivam was at his college in baroda. His nickname bevda does not suggest that he is a drunkard but its because of the facial effects he is capable of pulling.

Anyways, as soon as Dhrumil arrived we headed to Shakya's (aka Siddharth) home and then to Malu's (aka Anant). We were to meet up rest of the friends at the multiplex. Drumil was somewhat aware of my case, as he was a local, and we used to exchange some formal chitchats via texts. But he didn't ask me upfront, I thought its because it would screw up my mood. We were on time, for the first time I guess, as Sanchit and Aakash aka Khambha were smiling at us as if teasing us for being on time. I was feeling good to finally see my friends after a long time. We started chatting, cracking jokes, laughing, insulting, pulling each others legs, giving each other shit for not staying in touch, etc. I don't remember what movie it was but did remember every single bit of the fun we had. We got six continuous center seats, and every single person around those 6 seats was in deep shit. We all had a lot to talk about, that we whispered to each other in between the screening movie. Sometimes the voices got so loud that some of the faces directed towards the screen were forced to deflect towards us. But today as everyday, none of us gave a shit. The term Shakyan Laughter was coined after Shakya's laughter. Usually, laughter in a normal person is a normal phenomenon. But once set off in Shakya, I don't know exact time or thing that inhibits it. There's no way you can avoid or prevent it. Its meant to happen. This laughter is also known for getting us all in to a lot of trouble. But, it felt like I was back, the same as I was before, and among the same friends who were so special not a single thing felt wrong at that moment. I felt relieved . Everything was normal and the way it's used to be.

Khambha as ususal talking about girls. Khambha has only two things to talk about: 1:girls and 2: girls only. He is the largest girls database in a biological form. But I can tell you the feeling that I was experiencing, knowing that nothing is changed. And after that, it was official, as always me and Malu were talking about music and movies, we also discussed some new bands. Sanchit also joined and added a more good topic to the conversation, it was games, my favorite. Shakya as always added good humor and spread some awareness regarding new fancy computer stuff. Dhrumil was distributing free advise regarding what-to and what-not-to do when you are committed. Yeah of course, he was committed and yeah that to in as strange way. Which I am not going to state, cant disclose this much. But the thing for you guys to know is that it was complicated. And he too had problems, something common for us guys to talk about but, I preferred not to rush into it. Movie was soon over. We rolled to vishnu and stuffed ourselves with vadapavs. I didn't eat much, cause it made me wonder if angel was taking her meals regularly. From that moment onwards the whole amazing day was fading away in the dark. The darkness was pulling me to it. I started feeling like crap again. I didn't know why it was happening, the only thing I knew was that it was happening so fast that I cant adjust to it. I felt like calling her in the middle of everything. Keeping aside all the pain, the hurt, the friends, and my dead brain. But my cell was nowhere to be found. It was a very important as well as wonderful day which was turning into a bizarre nightmare. The pain was coming back strong than ever. Hurt was in full swing. And I was dusting into the ground. It was getting late so we finally bade goodbye to each other and jumped back on the vehicles screaming to each other “Contact me Rehna Haramio” .

It was me and Dhrumil now. He was driving the bike and I was in the back seat. And it was about time when his never ending questions started. I tried to answer them with best possible explanation I got. Than he started with his love story. Soon we arrived at the meeting point near the railway tracks. I got off the bike and started walking giving Dhrumil a look of goodbye but he asked me to stay and do a little catch up. I thought “oh, hell this is going to be great”. And the conversation went something like this..

Me: Why? Whats there to catch up?

He: You'll feel a little better if you'll just talk about how you feel.

Me (in my mind): oh yeah. Lets see, my heart's ripped out, my brain's a dead weight, me soul's torn, my spirit is worn, top of my head is killing me and I feel terrible about this plan to open up to you. I'll rather tie a rope around my throat and pull it until my tongue lays flat on the ground.

He: C'mon dude, I too have problems, it felt good when I talked to you about it on the way here. Okay just tell me exactly what happened and the words she said. I've been there. Maybe I can help you in some way.

This made me remember that on our way back he had told me his story and of course the great deals of problems he's going to go through. But I kept okaying and didn't get hold of any single scenario he was presenting. A good thing about Dhrumil is that ; he will keep continuing with his matter of talk even if we don't okay him in between or ask him any particular queries. He wont stop for anything until he says what he has to say. This help me a lot, in conversation, to take long pauses, and he didn't even mind it.

Me: Dude, seriously, there's nothing to talk about. If there had been something I would have told you guys. But honestly dude, it's nothing, I'm fine.

He: Okay, let me see your palm, I can read palm to some extent. I can tell you what awaits you or rather waits for you.

Me(in my mind): holy shit, man, is this day going to end anyway. First the pain and then this palmistry crap. Dude, you better lay it off before I get really pissed. And this hurt had made me really cranky so I can't guarantee your safe return to you home.

He pulled my hand. It was the first time I had looked at my hand after splitting with angel. She used to take both of my hands and join them flatly and crack into smiles looking at them. When asked why, she would say: here the uppermost horizontal line of both of your hands when joined make a shape of a half moon, it means you'll marry the love of your life. And yet here I was not with her even for the sake of her words. I got mad as well as angry.
He took my hand and started describing various things, which didn't interest me at all but suddenly the word suffer fell on my ears...

Me: What?

He: Every single line on your palm is distinctly visible and clear. And you have lots and lots of it. This indicates you have a lot of sufferings in life and in future too you will suffer a lot. Life is not going to be easy for you. You have to try a lot more than harder, in order to achieve what you desire.

So on and so on...

Me(in my mind): Buddy I'm already stoned. You are peeing on a stone. Its only going to shower back on you. Even numb can be said better compared to me.

He: You recently had your heart broken. And its so hard to mend that you blame all around you for it.

Me(in my mind): Dude I'm right on the edge, don't push me or I'll choke your throat with my bare hands and drag you to your grave.

He: You need to bounce back.I recommend baby steps at the beginning.

Me(in my mind): And I recommend baby kicks to your groin. From beginning till you scream out load “no more”.

He: The bump below your thumb on your palm makes me think you have a good sexlife.

Me(in my mind): Dunce, at the moment I don't have a life. What the hell makes you think I give a damn about my sexlife.

He: Of course, only if you have a girl in your life.

Me(in my mind): A word more and my fist and your face are going to do the talking.

He: and yeah, you'll never run into a good amount of money.

Me(in my mind): That's it, it official, Dhrumil Shah, you, as a human being no longer deserve to breath in a single molecule of oxygen, run like hell before I produce a pistol, cock it and pop it up your ass.


This torture was not over and we saw an old looking man coming our way. He was on a cycle. As he approached towards us, he was already on the ground holding the cycle by one hand and other to cover his mouth as he was sneezing. His eyes was moist and looked mostly like an ordinary man. But his aura was so soothing. He turned to me and asked..

Old man: Do you believe in God?

Me: Ya sure, I also believe in cyborgs, sent to earth to destroy homosepians.

Old man: Son, its not a joke. Do you believe in God?

Me: At this particular moment I don't have any good reason to justify if I believe in anything.

Old man: You can't be both angry and not believe in God at the same time. Believe in all the spirits and God and he'll solve your problems. You just have to trust him today.

Me: You can believe in all the Gods and spirits you want but when it comes to this world, don't be an idiot. Because on a busy highway, when it comes to crossing it alone, I know you look both ways. This is not something that you can talk me in to. You'll have to try harder to get me to believe something out of my perception. At this moment even I don't believe in myself , let alone all Gods.

Old man: Your friends trust you.

Me: Then, they are headed for disappointment.

Old man: God trusts in you.

Me: Even if I'm more of a recruiter of the other side.

Old man: Yeah, he loves every one of you, the way you are, selflessly.

Me: why did you say “every one of you”...what about you.

Old man: Here, take my hand and let me show you.

Me: Whoa, step back old man, don't even think of touching me.

But before I could do anything he held my hand and asked me to close my eyes and listen to every single word he says, very carefully. I don't know why but, his hand was cold and it spiked a rush of calmness through my veins. He started:

Don't waste time hovering upon your hurt, take chance, be brave and dig up to the core and there my friend you'll find all your answers you are looking for. Never doubt yourself, you are always right, cause you always listen to your heart. In life always know what you want to do or what you want, and how far are you willing to go for it. Your destiny is never pre-written. It's not something to write. You are the architect, design it the way you want. And always remember, God helps those who fights and helps themselves to outshine among the others. Fear is your worst enemy. Never be afraid of it, instead try and put a face on it, so that you can know what you are afraid of. And once you put a face on it you can beat it or better use it. Its up to you to make yourself special. Son, this is why a green leaf floats and yellow sinks in the water. And Its never the end of anything, if you want it more than anything, it will be yours, but be pure at intentions, they are your only assets who can justify your actions in any situations. Never mourn. Always fight back.

After this session of weird things I bade Dhrumil goodbye and got back home. I was lying in the bed and said 1 thing to myself, you exactly know what you want, only problem is you don't know how to get it, but unless you get up and get a heads up, you will be stuck in this stinking hole for the rest of your life. I love her, why afraid of it. And I think if I try she'll know it too. I took out the notebook she had given me and read it all over again and again until I felt that it cant hurt me anymore. And most of all I found a way to fight back.

Even today, when I feel depressed I hold on to that note book and think that nothing can get worse than this. You'll surface this sooner or later. I don't know if there exist a God or not, I don't even have any view on it, but guys the incident that happened that day was life changing.

Then I found my cure in words and literature. Whenever I read something inspiring I was at top of my mood. Nothing can spoil it..some lines that can inspire you..

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark,
in the hopeless swaps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all.
Do not let the hero in your soul perish,
in lonely frustration for the life you deserved,
and have never been able to reach.
The world you desire can be won.
It exists.
It is real.
It is possible.
And it is yours.

Thank you all..
and most of my thanks to my dear friends for being so amazing characters in real, everything around you guys is an adventure out of this world.
Dedicated to all my School Friends ...love you guys...:)

Metalhead

Whom would you call a Metalhead? Yeah, Metalhead. The word itself makes you think of a dorky white kid roaming around in his low bottom waist cut denims, long bleached or rare maroon straight hair hovering all over the face, more than 1 parts of the body pierced, dim witted, adequately drunk, screaming rage tattoos from head to toe, high on drugs, who just can’t get enough of his headphones and had got no religion other than to listen to the most heavy metal bands. But in reality there’s more than that in that guys, the only thing that makes them different is their perception towards life, love, hate, music and every other thing that we can think of. I want you guys to know what a true Metalhead is all about, cause I’m one of them. All above written things are bullshit. Metalheads do not follow a specific look or all listen to the same bands. According to Urban Dictionary, What's considered "metal" is so diverse and open ended that there are tons of different types of Metalheads. You've got your mainstream nu-metal/metalcore, thrash, death, black, power, grind, all of that kind of stuff, and everybody enjoys different kinds of metal outside of the mainstream Metalheads and perceptions of them. You don't have to exclusively listen to Slayer, Metallica, or Cannibal Corpse. Hell, you don't even have to like any of the "classic" bands. You don't need to be a long haired, dim-witted delinquent either. Or drink/do drugs. You can dress however you want; you wouldn't be able to tell some Metalheads apart from people who despise metal because they look the same. As long as you like some form of the metal spectrum, it's all good. Cause that’s how you actually relate your life to something that makes sense.

Sorry guys I had to waste one para telling you all the above crap. it’s just because I want you guys to be a Metalhead for this post, don’t try to judge, have a wide perception, I don’t want you guys to be narrow minded. Because as soon as I begin this story you’ll start taking sides. So, I wanted you ‘all to b very clear that sometimes you take some decisions not because it will hurt someone or other in any way but because, at the moment nothing else seems right. And also it’s never too late to let go off the mistakes you had done. Because sometimes, plain reality is not plain enough.

Metalheads coexist with normal humans, just like the parallel universes, they are not allowed to socialize with normal humans. It’s against the rules of Mother Nature. Apparently, I was the recent Metalhead who not only broke out but also got committed. I was the one disturbing the balance between parallel universes. And as you all know Mother Nature’s a bitch, my sins were going to come back and bite me in the ass. And finally one day my leash expired. The day arrived.
Since we got together things were going pretty great, except some misunderstandings here and there, but all together manageable. One morning, I felt like my bed was shaking like hell. It got me to wake up all of a sudden. After gaining cautiousness, I realized it was my cell not the bed, which was vibrating breathlessly. Yeah, this is one of the bad habits of committed people; they think of their mobiles as their loved ones and can’t let them out of their sight for a second, and even sleep next to them. I stared at the mobile screen for a while, it said angel calling. I wondered why she was calling. Though, every morning she used to leave me a good morning message. Of course, she was the early riser. She made sure that my every morning begins with her good morning message. It’s a wonderful feeling. It fills you with strength to fight through the day. Nothing else feels good. It changes you faster than you can think. You always expect the person to be the same; you don’t want anything to change between you. The way she looks at you, the way she makes you feel, the way she cares, talks, listens, you want it all to remain the way it is forever n ever. But the truth is people changes, if not for always than at least during certain circumstances. I don’t know how many of you out there are in love, and if whether any of you have noticed that music feels more magical than ever. You can literally listen to even the single vibration off the guitar string. You will even love the power packed high hat drum beats. Your observation power becomes so powerful that you can even apply to be a special agent working for the government. And then when you try to get used to it, life snaps you out of it just within a blink of an eye. Anyways, it was her 8th call this morning. I stood up, dialed her number as fast as I can. She picked up the phone and answered:

She: Where the hell have you been?

Me: In bed, why, what happened?

She: nothing, God, next time I’ll prefer waking up kumbhkaran rather than you.
Yeah it was an outdated joke but I don’t know how it made me smile. I guess it is the morning atmosphere; or rather it was just her.

Me: so how come you are calling in these hours of the day? Isn’t it the busiest hours in your house?

She: yeah, it is if my parents are around. But today it’s just us kids home. I’m home along with my sisters and some of mine cousins have paid a visit. Mom and Dad left early this morning and are not returning till night, so we’ll be chatting all day long. Isn’t it great?

Me: yeah, awesome. Looking forward to it.

She: I wanted to meet you but, I think rain has other plans. And also I can’t get out of the house saying nothing. I hope it’s okay, sweetie.

Me: yeah it’s okay. Just one thing.

She: yeah.

Me: I gotta pee.

She: euww...go pee. I’ll talk to you later. Love you.

Me: love you too.

I dealt with all my morning business and then waited for her call. She called around 12 in the noon. We had a long lovy dovy chat, which I’m not going to present. She ended the call saying I’ll call you later. But there were no more calls that day. I called her like a thousand times. Texted her, But no replies. Late in the night I got a text from her saying ”I’ll be giving you a notebook in the college tomorrow, it’s about my life, please read it”. I tried calling her but she switched off her cell. I got scared. My mind went into an endless loop of thinking over every past life possibility known to man. It’s too obvious to say I didn’t sleep that night. Kept turning from side to side. There were times where I fell off too. I tried listening to music and lighten my impulse. But the strange thing was that music didn’t help at all. Oh my God, what m I turning into. What’s happening to me? It never occurred to me that music can’t calm my head. It was the worst nightmare I witnessed while I wasn’t asleep, and it kept getting worse.
Somehow I survived through the night and packed up some strength to deal with what was going to come my way. I stepped into the bus and started waiting for her stand. It arrived and so did she. She didn’t had the courage to look at my faced but surely managed a smile while looking towards her feet. I walked up to her and asked..hey.! Is there something bothering you? You can tell me its fine. She looked at me trying to say something but was able to put ”you didn’t get much of sleep last night”. Yeah, but her eyes were red too. I offered ”how come you didn’t sleep?” she replied: look there something I need to tell you, I don’t know how to tell you face to face so here this notebook, take it and read it. And I hope you’ll understand. I was like oh my fucking God. This was definitely leading to a break up talk. I mean who are we kidding. “I hope you’ll understand”. Who the hell talks like that? I didn’t say a single word on my mind to her but was certainly freaked out. She slipped out a less than 100 paged notebook out of her backpack. She handed that to me, and signed me to leave. Every single hair on my body was standing at that particular moment. My mind was bragging about ”you should have stayed single ” crap and my heart just won’t stop bouncing. The book had some spooky faces at the top and some description about the caste and all stuff. I’m sick of these guys, they are even putting these stuff on notebooks. With my right shaking hand I opened it. It had some of its starting pages torn off. Clearly a sign of “ she was not good at break up letters”. Second thing I noticed was a never ending strings of Gujarati alphabets doing the “your are screwed” dance. I lost my calm. What the hell. Is she trying to give me a stroke? She must be out of her dang skulls. Who the hell knows how to read Gujarati? I don’t have time to take this over to the chemist so that he can somehow crack the message encrypted. I felt like throwing it out of the window. But I had to know what was in that. I thought Gujarati is just like Hindi minus the over lines. But it was not, and I didn’t realize it until I finished 18 pages of explanation. Every single thing in Gujarati. And these incidents followed a complete nervous breakdown. It was something like this:
After I talked to you yesterday, I found that one of my elder cousins was listening to all of our talks and later he talked to me or rather warned me that if I ever go against our family, it won’t be good. You forgot what happened last time. Yeah Sanket, I wanted to tell you this earlier but didn’t have the strength. I had a friend , a boy but not boyfriend, and sure as hell didn’t love her. But I had a feeling he had feelings for me. This was back in 12th class. He was in 1st year college and lived in my society. There was nothing more than some exchange of books and outdated study stuff but he decided to let me know that he loved me. One day he borrowed my maths book and then he put a chit inside it saying 143. I was so stupid those days I didn’t even knew what 143 meant. The idiot planted the chit in my maths book and handed it to my little sister to pass it on to me. But that night the book got into my cousin’s hand and he disclosed this to my parents without even asking me what was going on. Everyone thought that I was having an affair. Moreover, I dint get to explain myself. That night my father made it very clear that if I’m with any guy anyhow, the next thing I was gonna witness is my father’s grave and I don’t want to be a killer, and I can tell you, he was not bluffing. The chest pains were real. So whether you like it or not I can’t continue this relationship any further assuming everything will be fine. Because I remember the look on my father’s face, every bit of it. It haunts me in ways you can’t even imagine. I’m glad that I ran into a caring and loving guy like you and won’t forget you for the rest of my life but we can’t be together anymore. Take good care of yourself. You are a nice guy. Just don’t hide your emotions behind your witty humor, and not yourself behind the jerk you pretend to be, every single girl can fall for you. Last but not the least, I’m not in a position to say I love you or even I don’t love you because its better you don’t get even the slightest idea of it because I know you don’t give up easily. You’ll find your answers in music this day or the other. I know you won’t forget me. But I hope you forgive me. Wish you a happy life ahead. Bye.

I stepped out of the bus and ran as fast as I can towards the college’s main gate. I needed to pass out of there as soon as possible. But the bloody watchmen wont let me. I had to go to the class but I didn’t. I bunked a series of lectures, until I got a text from angel saying: Where the hell are you. Get into the lecture right now or the H.O.D will slice your head off. I replied: you meant of what’s left of it. Then I got couple of texts but I didn’t read it. Felt they were meaningless compared to my current situation. I was at the terrace of the main building. I was feeling droopy. I skipped breakfast this morning and didn’t have anything to eat and it was 2 in the noon. I was starting to feel my stomach shrink. It made various sounds. I just wanted to go home. Didn’t mean to create a scene. But you can’t have what you want. Most of my friends came to know. Everyone was out there looking for me to convey their condolences or to just rub it in my face. But after some time I got a call from angel, she said: hold one seat for me in the college bus in the 2 seater. We will talk on our way home. I didn’t listen to her and hung up. But as I made my way into the college bus she was waiting with an empty seat next to her. I freaked out but as every other seat was taken I had to sit somewhere. I took the spot. She said what you eat? I remained silent. She continued: I know you are upset and you have every right to be. But just think about it. There nothing I can do. Even if I’m able to convince my father, it’s not it. We are a joint family of four brother’s including my father. Every decision that is to be made has to run through the each four of them. And they won’t allow us of anything they refer to as stupid. They can harm you and your family in many different twisted legal ways. And I don’t want that for you.

I interrupted with: do you love me?

She said: it’s not about if I love you or not.

I hammered on “do you love me?”.

She : I think you need to ask that question to yourself. Do you think I love you? Cause it’s not about what I think. It’s about what you think and will it change under any circumstances?

Me: What do you mean?

She: Nothing, you’ll have a better life with me not in it.

Me: But it won’t be the life I want.

She: Think of it as it was never meant to be. We can’t outrun these worldly things. You have to let me go.

Me: I mean it to be. And I never said we had to outrun anything. I just want to be with you. Have you ever seen me smile like I smile when I’m with you? Why do you think a guy like me who gets bored yawning waited this long just to hear you say out loud the word he never imagined would come out of your mouth?

She: That’s the part you don’t understand. The way you feel with me and I feel with you will always remain exclusive. The moments I shared with you, they won’t repeat themselves with anyone else. That’s the beauty of it and I don’t want to ruin those moments by endangering our relationship to any bloodshed that love will bring for us. There will never be anyone else, but you. I love you. But I can’t be with you.

Me: So, that means I’m the guy, but according to you can never be the guy for you.

She: The memories you have given me will not fade in time. You’ll always be the guy I’ll be thinking of when the sun rises and set.

Me: What memories have I given you? We haven’t been on a single date, not even a movie or small walk.

She: It doesn’t have to be that way. It doesn’t have to be official. Doesn’t the small walks to the canteen and bus counts?

Me: Yeah they does but, I have so many memories to make yet. I always dreamt of walking right next to you in the rain holding your hand. Your head resting on my shoulders. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been there. It all feels so real. I can’t give up now. I’ve gone too far. I can never go back to my old life. It will never be the same. I can’t even think of a life without any good morning message from you.

She: I’m not going anywhere, at least not until these college years. I’ll be there for you every time, as your friend. All I’m asking is that please don’t expect anything from me. I fear I’ll end up hurting you. And good morning messages are not going anywhere.

Me: Today I know exactly what I want from life. This break up will soon turn into patch up. Love stories are stories until you try and turn them real. All it needs is a try. Cause I don’t wanna end up crying over my past and regretting not trying. And when I’m done convincing you, we’ll think of something to try and convince your father and other family members. I love you.

And that was the last thing I told her while grabbing her hand when she was about to leave as her stop arrived. I was ready for the healing to begin but, it’s not as simple as you think. When I reached home I switched off my cell, and landed on my bed thinking of what I was going to do. It was a week since I've been to college. For past few weeks I had practically lived in my denim. Mom and Dad were so upset. But I had nothing to say that could cheer them up. They kept on asking is there anything bothering you at college, and I kept denying. Then, along came Eminem. He’s seriously a fucked up dude but at the time exactly the one I needed. It always help you, when you know that there’s someone else in the world whose life is even more fucked up than yours. Eminem was the kind of hand I needed to pull me through darkness. I have literally listened to his every song. It makes you feel better. And moreover made me the Metalhead I am now. It made me realize, there are so many different ways you should look at life. Don’t be so narrow minded, and sooner I realized angel did what she had to do, and I had a very clear idea what I had to do. It’s never been so clear before. Soon the pain was going away, not the memories. But for the time it was best for me.

Weird is what makes you different.

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Have you ever taken any chances? Never thinking of what the outcome may be or how will it affect the lives of the ones you care for, or even life of your own, exactly knowing what’s on stake and what’s not, what you deserve and what you will get. Love is one of the greatest chances you can ever take in your life. Of course, it’s a long shot but you’ll catch up just fine. You will surely come to know why love is called the feeling that outweighs happiness. For those idiots out there thinking that love always brings pain, are all dickheads. Also if you feel that it doesn’t have anything to do with pain, think again. Pain is the most aspiring as well as inspiring part of love you hold for the significant other. Cause it has the potential to inspire you in ways that your other feelings cant. Secondly, it provides experience. Just think upon it, the experience you can extract from your darkest hour of pain will out sum your happy hours. I’d say pain is the reason we live through happiness, better yet feel happiness. It also helps you realize the true colors of your soul. What actually you think about any person. After all a strong man is measured by the decision he makes in tough times. Also it’s very important that you find the right person, it’s like the post I’m writing, I can load it up with any fancy English crap, but what good will it be if I don’t communicate.

Computer Students' minds are all twisted. And I was the special kind (at least I thought so). For instance, in examination hall if I can’t recall anything, I try to remember the song that was playing in the background while I was reading that topic. Yeah, sounds weird, but the really weird thing is that I can recall what I was trying to remember. If it’s so hard for you to deal with, then you can’t imagine what my angel, yeah now it’s okay to call her angel, my angel, would have thought. After all she’s just a simple girl, didn’t have a brain that can roam on such places to seek answers. Not even close. She was just awesome. And in true means “Way out of my league”. We had to keep our thing a secret as far as the college was concerned. That’s when I thought of Murphy’s law, it says if anything can go wrong, it will. We agreed on not telling anyone about our little secret. Clearly, one of us was not able to keep their end of the bargain. Okay, it might have been me, but what else do you expect from me I was new to this thing. I had disclosed this to couple of close friends, apparently one of them sold me out. Anyways, this night we had our very first fight. She got so pissed, she hanged up on me and called it off for that night. Again I was up all night. She said “how can I trust you with anything else let alone my life”. And she was true in every sense; I was the idiot who never knew what to do. I wondered if she is ever going to forgive me. Later that night she did but the thing was she can’t trust me with anything now. She didn’t say the words but what idiot won’t get that. Even more important was what I thought that she would have thought. You might have to read the previous line again. We’re dealing with love here, it more complicated than the recent lines. I thought she thinks of me as a guy who couldn’t keep his word. It was the first night I was experiencing the pain of love and was so stuck in it that I didn’t even thought for a moment that she was in that too. Whatever was going on in my mind, much worse was going in hers. And it was all because of me. Only if I hadn’t been idiot enough to rat it out. I kept texting her till her inbox blurted out ”please no more”. Later that night, though it was 3 a.m in the morning I’d prefer to call it night, I got a text from her asking was it supposed to be this way. I knew what she was up to, I mean it’s not even a week and I’ve already planted a bomb at the foundation. I didn’t know how I was going to clean up this mess. Suddenly I realized why not try the truth. I wrote: sorry, angel I didn’t mean to hurt you but it was my first dream come true, the girl I loved in my life loves me back. And I couldn’t keep it to myself. It meant nothing other than that. Tonight you are hurt cause of me, it would have been much less of it if I was not there. Pressed the send button and next second regretted mentioning the last sentence. It sounded more of melodrama rather than an apology appeal. In between I got a text from her, it read: you are such an idiot(my heart raced, now what). I myself choose to be with you. It so little compared to the feeling I get when I see you or when you are with me. You won’t be able to change it in any way. And yeah, you are such a drama queen. It put a smile on my face, but I knew this incident was going to leave a stain on her heart. I decided to be more cautious when dealing with this kind of delicate matter. But I am as god made me, meant to screw things up.

Now there was this day I had assembled a football team to play against the DA-IICT team, of course at DA-IICT, our college don’t have a football ground. And the team was assembled in last minutes, don’t get your hopes high thinking if we won the game. So anyway, on my way back home I way with my school friend. He’s been my friend now for over 6 years. Nice guy. Meanwhile, angel invited me to her home. It was 8 sharp in the evening. She said come soon I’ll introduce you to my mother, twin sisters and a younger brother. I asked what about your father? She said "he’ll be home soon from work. And remember it’s just a friendly visit. Be nice." I was like..is she out of her mind? I smell like shit. Sweat has left its geographical marks on each and every part of my body, the only thing I needed then was a bubble bath with soft shampoo pouring down my head. But as philosopher Jagger once said, you can’t always get what you want. So there I was VISITING my sasural the very first time, soaked in sweat. Even the blowing air could fracture my bones. I was tired to that extent. And what about my friend, will it be okay to bring him over. After a couple of thoughts I decided to take him along, as it would add up to so called friendly visit. And further, we decided to leave soon as possible. She was waiting at her Gate. She was dressed up in a light orange night suit irresistibly beautiful. I can actually see her eyes glow orange in the dark night. And I can tell you those eyes can work wonders. And they were on me at the very moment. I felt she could see through my soul. She paused for a second and asked me are you okay? I said what exactly are the color of your eyes? She was confused. Guys this is the ability of a girl that we can’t hold them accountable for. The ability to behave as if nothing is going on, even if there is. According to them a little bit seduction is okay. She smiled and escorted us to her home from there on. A pulse of fright ran through my body, can’t tell you the adrenaline rush. I stepped into a giant sized hall marble floored, attached kitchen to the back. Two single beds placed adjacent to each other by the corner. A T.V in one corner, I guessed it was not used for a long time. Everything was spotless clean and neat. Unlike my home. Everything was in the place where it belonged. Her mother greeted me from the doorstep and invited me in. She didn’t look that much aged. Most of the facial features was more of my angel. Her eyes scanned me for over a minute, I feared that next second I would be teleported to scary place the one from my darkest dreams. It was creeping me out but she was simply analyzing whether I was the good boy or the other way around. I put myself together, hardly. Next member I was introduced to was her younger sister, unfortunately I didn’t get to meet her other twin but it was okay. At least I had managed to meet her mother, it in itself was a great achievement. And in the beginning it’s necessary to take baby steps. I guess it went too cool. As far as I know, but of course I had to hear what her mother thought about me. In middle of my thought her mother came out of the kitchen and served us fried rice with little peanuts and kadhipattas in it. My angel came and placed 2 glasses of Rasna (mango flavored) beside the plates and whispered “I have made it for you” …enjoy your meal. Sometimes I’m driven with this strange momentary madness, and the moment was there, I took the glass in an instance and drank it to empty the other. I don’t know what caught me, I think it was just because I was going to drink something that has been made by my angel’s hands. Suddenly all jaws broadened. What the hell was that? This guy is surely a basket case. I felt embarrassed but somehow began eating. It was getting late and there was no sign of her father. My phone rang to its full volume. Metallica’s “The Memory Remains” flooded the quiet room. Point to be noted: Always turn vibrate on when in your g.f’s home. It was mom, she asked: dear aren’t you coming home, how long is it going to take? I managed: I’m on my way home, will be there in 15 minutes. That was the signal I can no longer wait for my sasurji to arrive. So I bid my goodbye to all and left with my friend. Angel said I’ll see to it that next time you meet daddy. I said I’m looking forward to it, but I was not and you’ll know why.

Exams were near and we planned combined studies, of course at her home, an excuse she made for me to meet her father. I reached her home at 8:00 a.m sharp; again her father was not there. She said he’s out working will be home anytime in noon. I was new soldier on the battle field, it was far better to wait for slow death than to be exterminated at once. She said lets study. I was like ”Yeah right, like I can study now”. She was serious, but according to me combined studies was a disaster. I thought it was just time taken out to be together. But apparently it was not. Nothing else is more difficult than sitting beside a girl and to think only about studying. Frankly it was the first time I felt like kissing her. But something inside me said. Go slow tiger, we’re not there yet. She’s too sensitive and you too are not ready. I somehow flunked the thoughts and concentrated towards the book. But with no background music I was unable to do so. I kept looking at her time to time, as I hoped she didn’t knew what I was doing. She suddenly burst into giggles as if she knew all the way about my sneak peeks. She said you’re cute, and a lot weird, but I guess weird is what makes you different. I said: Please, don’t push me, I’m right on the edge, I’ll end up kissing you. Speaking of weird, her father showed up in middle of the conversation, first example of bad timing. I gave out random smile at him. But he seemed aghast, like he was not happy about something. But why take it out on me. I certainly got the feeling, he was not that friendly. I was in enemy territory, and the war was on. My smiling peace proposal was desperately rejected. I had to take steps. Instead, I didn’t speak another word until I was compelled to. It’s what happens when you don’t get a smile in return of a smile. He was knocking me down. He came close, I was literally shivering. I thought he’ll ask my name, so I kept on practicing my name in my mind. he spoke…: What caste do you belong to? I said: Sanket. Second example of bad timing. Then realized, its not what he asked for. I quickly managed: sorry?. He asked again; what is your caste? Clean headshot, there was no further discussion. This man was clinically insane. I had lost the battle without even firing a single bullet. I didn’t know what to say. I hadn’t come across this kind of awkward situation in my whole life. I was a student of a school where these matters were of less concern. It hardly came up during my schooling year. Angel was my life saver. She said daddy he’s a student from central board, very bright and even more helpful, he has come here to help me with maths, truth was I sucked at maths even more to what this conversation was leading to. He said, “so I’ll take it as you don’t know your caste, I suppose you can at least tell me your surname or your father’s name”. Another headshot, this one pushing the previous bullet out from back of my head. It was turning nasty. The man was asking for all the things except the one I provided, my first name. I replied uncle, its Sanket Banker. And its better if you just grab it as Sanket, cause that’s the one you’ll remember after 4 years. He felt my words and responded: what are you going to do? I said, score good in exams, so you’ll remember my name and won’t ask for any other details. My marks will speak for me. But I hope you all know what I really meant. He was silent for the first time, after all, the soldier was not dead yet. Anyhow he survived 2 headshots. Last thing he said was “we are xyz”. Xyz is some caste. Sorry I can’t disclose it right now. It’s not the right time. I have just 1 request to you guys please, help me spread this message. If you love someone, not of your own caste. Recommend this blog, recent and upcoming posts, to your friends or anyone you like. But please see to it this thing don’t get unnoticed. Help me spread the awareness if you think what’s happening is wrong. Because its what we do, when something don’t make sense, we pick a pen and put sense into it, so that it mean something to someone, anyone. I was going to write my break up story but I thought this story was meant to be told. The thing for you guys to know is, we are together, and always will be, moreover, the feelings that we share today is truly out of this world, even if it will seize my existence, I’ll die fighting for it. Because this is as far as it gets. No more castism.

Special thanks to all my dear friends for being with us. God bless you all. And I’ll be writing more just need your support. If you like this post, even a bit of it, please leave me a comment. It means a lot, I’ll take it as a blessing.

Love You All. :)

My First Love.

First of all I am not sure that this is the topic I might be able to do justice to but I just want to give it a little try.

For those of you who knows me today, might be shocked to hear that I was not a big fan of love and neither did I believed in God. The only thing I believed in was power of music and faith in flirting. A badass kid, too stubborn to admit his own emotions with sure as hell no chances of improvement. I was a good friend to few but, an admiral jerk to most. And I truly loved the way I was. But as it’s said something always changes...as change is the only thing that is permanent.

It all started from the 2^nd month of fresher year in college. Of course my parents were still pissed cause I had let down a good college to jump into this endless abyss that is the field of computer. So anyways, one day during lunch time I saw this girl whom I had barely noticed in my over a month’s drill to find the most hottest girl in the college. She was not like the other girls. She was completely different, well, at least to me. She rolled her big perfect round shaped brown eyes towards me. My heart was beating twice the speed of my brain’s thinking. She was wearing a pink embroidered salvar suit elegantly put on with a light shaded dupatta. A bundle of her thin long hair was talking to the air, rest were placed on her right shoulder. It was so beautiful, for a second I wondered if it was my heart or the Pink Floyd song playing out of my ipod’s earpiece resting on my shoulder. Her pink lips made me wonder id there was a God after all, cause it can’t be hand crafted by anyone else but a supreme might. The first words to come out of those lips were "Excuse Me”. My heart went supernova, I babbled like a baby, not able enough to stick even a 'Hello' out. I just couldn’t stop looking at her. It’s not like I haven’t seen girls prettier than her but there was something about her that made me take the fall. With all this going on I barely knew that I was just another dorky guy blocking her way. I got myself together and got out of her way. My mind knew it was just normal but my heart knew it was something else, because it was the first time I was afraid to talk to a girl. I thought it was just some crush gone crazy, because it’s always lust at first sight. But soon I realized it’s more than just lust. Meanwhile I was the same old notorious guy; there wasn’t a single day when no one has complained about my prank in the college bus. I had been inside the principal’s office more than any of my senior. I guess reputation was building up.

One day, call it luck or destiny the girl I had feelings for was the new girl in my bus. I knew it was my chance but somehow deep inside I feared what if it’s just some sort of attraction. It was too early to even think if the feeling was mutual, because let’s face it I wasn’t the cutest guy around. In addition to this fact, I had lost interest in all the other girls and missed out making friends with them. She came to know me as the prankster who couldn’t care less for anyone’s feelings but his own. I had a small bunch of friends and even small window of error to screw it up. Someday I gathered the strength and walked up to her and talk. It was just some formal talk, soon enough it was okay to call us friends, but if it had to end at friendship I wouldn’t be here writing this up. According to her I had a great sense of humor, she laughed at every single statement I made or maybe she was just playing dumb, I mean who the hell laughs at a fake Guajarati accent hardly sounding as a joke. Yeah, I am Guajarati but don’t know language well enough, and the worst part was she knew this but acted as it was fine with her.

Days Passed. It was the Navratri night celebration at college, I am not that into Garba and all, yeah of course I am a Guajarati but I am not that kind of a Gujarati, yeah sure I suck, first being a Gujarati and then for dealing with my feelings. Anyways, there wasn’t a single moment my eyes weren’t on her. She was looking so damn beautiful that I loved her then and there. She wore a traditional Chaniya Choli with a dozen of bangles put on each of her arm, I had to admit she had a touch of elegance and postures of an angel, my angel, yes I was dreaming already, but what else I could have done. Her earrings were long and heavy and shiny. Her necklace was less lustrous, I thought it would have been her mother’s or actually her Granma’s . She had this thing in her hair, I don’t know what to call it elongated towards her forehead. There was a tiny little Nathani pierced through her nose that made my evening and surely my fare for the evening well spent. Finally at the end of celebrations I got into the bus early, I was feeling sleepy the whole night, so I grabbed a nice seat and crashed there. When I woke up the bus was packed up and couple of students were standing in front of me hoping I was going to make some room for their tired ass to rest. I moved sideways and the first one I let in was a senior girl well dressed in Gujarati traditional. I was not done talking to this girl and a voice penetrated my ear and suddenly my heartbeat jumped to the sky. I knew it can’t be anyone else. She asked me if she could sit next to me. I said to myself dude stay calm and don’t panic and softly refuse or you will be up all night again not sure where to put your freaking feelings, but if it was that easy, life would have been much simpler and less worth living, so in justice to my point the words slipped out “I was hoping you would”. I thought to myself "are you out of your freaking mind?". But as it turned out, that night was the best night I could have ever imagined. We had a good talk and I am not going to describe that here. The important thing is that we became good friends after that night. Random smiles and waving became common. My lunch time routine was to run to the canteen as soon as possible just to see her. It was going nice and slow. On the other hand exams were approaching. Surely it was not a matter to worry as compared to my never before feelings. It might have been the last day of the fresher year. I mean, of course the exams were due but it was the last day before the preparation leave. I don’t know how I gathered the strength to ask for her cell number. She just smiled and gave me the number saying just give me a missed call so I can have yours too. I never thought it can be this easy. Finally it was happening.

15 days to go for exam. I had tried to call her for 100^th time for the day. But it was temporarily invalid. I texted her 4-5 times and finally forwarded her exam schedule which I wanted to give her over a voice call. After 1 hour or so I got a call from some unknown number. Holy shit man it was from her, as it turned out my texts or missed calls reached her somehow. She said that her SIM card’s validity has expired and she’s going to re-validate it within 2 days or so. Then we started talking on phone and it was mostly about studies. Days went on; we helped each other out and got through exams pretty well. Now it was the vacations and it was monsoon; our chats over the cell were increased exponentially. Moreover now it was turning to informal talks. We used to chat all night long and even more in the daytime. We hardly slept for more than 2 days. One night it was raining heavily, I don’t know what came to my mind I suddenly said “I love you”. She said we should go to bed right now, we haven’t slept for 2 nights. I thought she was pissed and I sensed that our friendship was in danger. But no damage had been done, next day she reacted like nothing had happened. She behaved as always but in the noon I got a text saying "ilu". Fuck man, it was not a dream, I literally fell off the bed, I dialed her number as soon as I can and ran off to the terrace. She picked up; before she could say anything I said I love you for more than 5 times. She tried to change the subject. But I kept on asking her if she loved me. I asked her why she sent me a text saying ilu. Now she had to say something for sure. She said of course I love you, you moron but the thing is that this kind of stuff is not allowed in our family. I said, then what the hell ilu meant? And the answer she gave me left me stoned, she said "I" means me "u" means you and "l" signifies a wall that is between us, that we can’t break, crack or even shake. A big giant that is made up of our caste differences, mentality, families, pride, reputations and lots of things we can’t even think of. My Father would prefer to watch me burned alive than to see me take a stand for the one I love, or in other words watch her daughter ripping apart her father’s reputation. I on the other side was completely blank unsure of how to put my jumbled thoughts into a sentence and make sense out of it. The only thing I was sure of was that I waited for this moment for so long and now it was here, there was no chance in hell I was going to blow it.

More in the next post.