Weird is what makes you different.

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Have you ever taken any chances? Never thinking of what the outcome may be or how will it affect the lives of the ones you care for, or even life of your own, exactly knowing what’s on stake and what’s not, what you deserve and what you will get. Love is one of the greatest chances you can ever take in your life. Of course, it’s a long shot but you’ll catch up just fine. You will surely come to know why love is called the feeling that outweighs happiness. For those idiots out there thinking that love always brings pain, are all dickheads. Also if you feel that it doesn’t have anything to do with pain, think again. Pain is the most aspiring as well as inspiring part of love you hold for the significant other. Cause it has the potential to inspire you in ways that your other feelings cant. Secondly, it provides experience. Just think upon it, the experience you can extract from your darkest hour of pain will out sum your happy hours. I’d say pain is the reason we live through happiness, better yet feel happiness. It also helps you realize the true colors of your soul. What actually you think about any person. After all a strong man is measured by the decision he makes in tough times. Also it’s very important that you find the right person, it’s like the post I’m writing, I can load it up with any fancy English crap, but what good will it be if I don’t communicate.

Computer Students' minds are all twisted. And I was the special kind (at least I thought so). For instance, in examination hall if I can’t recall anything, I try to remember the song that was playing in the background while I was reading that topic. Yeah, sounds weird, but the really weird thing is that I can recall what I was trying to remember. If it’s so hard for you to deal with, then you can’t imagine what my angel, yeah now it’s okay to call her angel, my angel, would have thought. After all she’s just a simple girl, didn’t have a brain that can roam on such places to seek answers. Not even close. She was just awesome. And in true means “Way out of my league”. We had to keep our thing a secret as far as the college was concerned. That’s when I thought of Murphy’s law, it says if anything can go wrong, it will. We agreed on not telling anyone about our little secret. Clearly, one of us was not able to keep their end of the bargain. Okay, it might have been me, but what else do you expect from me I was new to this thing. I had disclosed this to couple of close friends, apparently one of them sold me out. Anyways, this night we had our very first fight. She got so pissed, she hanged up on me and called it off for that night. Again I was up all night. She said “how can I trust you with anything else let alone my life”. And she was true in every sense; I was the idiot who never knew what to do. I wondered if she is ever going to forgive me. Later that night she did but the thing was she can’t trust me with anything now. She didn’t say the words but what idiot won’t get that. Even more important was what I thought that she would have thought. You might have to read the previous line again. We’re dealing with love here, it more complicated than the recent lines. I thought she thinks of me as a guy who couldn’t keep his word. It was the first night I was experiencing the pain of love and was so stuck in it that I didn’t even thought for a moment that she was in that too. Whatever was going on in my mind, much worse was going in hers. And it was all because of me. Only if I hadn’t been idiot enough to rat it out. I kept texting her till her inbox blurted out ”please no more”. Later that night, though it was 3 a.m in the morning I’d prefer to call it night, I got a text from her asking was it supposed to be this way. I knew what she was up to, I mean it’s not even a week and I’ve already planted a bomb at the foundation. I didn’t know how I was going to clean up this mess. Suddenly I realized why not try the truth. I wrote: sorry, angel I didn’t mean to hurt you but it was my first dream come true, the girl I loved in my life loves me back. And I couldn’t keep it to myself. It meant nothing other than that. Tonight you are hurt cause of me, it would have been much less of it if I was not there. Pressed the send button and next second regretted mentioning the last sentence. It sounded more of melodrama rather than an apology appeal. In between I got a text from her, it read: you are such an idiot(my heart raced, now what). I myself choose to be with you. It so little compared to the feeling I get when I see you or when you are with me. You won’t be able to change it in any way. And yeah, you are such a drama queen. It put a smile on my face, but I knew this incident was going to leave a stain on her heart. I decided to be more cautious when dealing with this kind of delicate matter. But I am as god made me, meant to screw things up.

Now there was this day I had assembled a football team to play against the DA-IICT team, of course at DA-IICT, our college don’t have a football ground. And the team was assembled in last minutes, don’t get your hopes high thinking if we won the game. So anyway, on my way back home I way with my school friend. He’s been my friend now for over 6 years. Nice guy. Meanwhile, angel invited me to her home. It was 8 sharp in the evening. She said come soon I’ll introduce you to my mother, twin sisters and a younger brother. I asked what about your father? She said "he’ll be home soon from work. And remember it’s just a friendly visit. Be nice." I was like..is she out of her mind? I smell like shit. Sweat has left its geographical marks on each and every part of my body, the only thing I needed then was a bubble bath with soft shampoo pouring down my head. But as philosopher Jagger once said, you can’t always get what you want. So there I was VISITING my sasural the very first time, soaked in sweat. Even the blowing air could fracture my bones. I was tired to that extent. And what about my friend, will it be okay to bring him over. After a couple of thoughts I decided to take him along, as it would add up to so called friendly visit. And further, we decided to leave soon as possible. She was waiting at her Gate. She was dressed up in a light orange night suit irresistibly beautiful. I can actually see her eyes glow orange in the dark night. And I can tell you those eyes can work wonders. And they were on me at the very moment. I felt she could see through my soul. She paused for a second and asked me are you okay? I said what exactly are the color of your eyes? She was confused. Guys this is the ability of a girl that we can’t hold them accountable for. The ability to behave as if nothing is going on, even if there is. According to them a little bit seduction is okay. She smiled and escorted us to her home from there on. A pulse of fright ran through my body, can’t tell you the adrenaline rush. I stepped into a giant sized hall marble floored, attached kitchen to the back. Two single beds placed adjacent to each other by the corner. A T.V in one corner, I guessed it was not used for a long time. Everything was spotless clean and neat. Unlike my home. Everything was in the place where it belonged. Her mother greeted me from the doorstep and invited me in. She didn’t look that much aged. Most of the facial features was more of my angel. Her eyes scanned me for over a minute, I feared that next second I would be teleported to scary place the one from my darkest dreams. It was creeping me out but she was simply analyzing whether I was the good boy or the other way around. I put myself together, hardly. Next member I was introduced to was her younger sister, unfortunately I didn’t get to meet her other twin but it was okay. At least I had managed to meet her mother, it in itself was a great achievement. And in the beginning it’s necessary to take baby steps. I guess it went too cool. As far as I know, but of course I had to hear what her mother thought about me. In middle of my thought her mother came out of the kitchen and served us fried rice with little peanuts and kadhipattas in it. My angel came and placed 2 glasses of Rasna (mango flavored) beside the plates and whispered “I have made it for you” …enjoy your meal. Sometimes I’m driven with this strange momentary madness, and the moment was there, I took the glass in an instance and drank it to empty the other. I don’t know what caught me, I think it was just because I was going to drink something that has been made by my angel’s hands. Suddenly all jaws broadened. What the hell was that? This guy is surely a basket case. I felt embarrassed but somehow began eating. It was getting late and there was no sign of her father. My phone rang to its full volume. Metallica’s “The Memory Remains” flooded the quiet room. Point to be noted: Always turn vibrate on when in your g.f’s home. It was mom, she asked: dear aren’t you coming home, how long is it going to take? I managed: I’m on my way home, will be there in 15 minutes. That was the signal I can no longer wait for my sasurji to arrive. So I bid my goodbye to all and left with my friend. Angel said I’ll see to it that next time you meet daddy. I said I’m looking forward to it, but I was not and you’ll know why.

Exams were near and we planned combined studies, of course at her home, an excuse she made for me to meet her father. I reached her home at 8:00 a.m sharp; again her father was not there. She said he’s out working will be home anytime in noon. I was new soldier on the battle field, it was far better to wait for slow death than to be exterminated at once. She said lets study. I was like ”Yeah right, like I can study now”. She was serious, but according to me combined studies was a disaster. I thought it was just time taken out to be together. But apparently it was not. Nothing else is more difficult than sitting beside a girl and to think only about studying. Frankly it was the first time I felt like kissing her. But something inside me said. Go slow tiger, we’re not there yet. She’s too sensitive and you too are not ready. I somehow flunked the thoughts and concentrated towards the book. But with no background music I was unable to do so. I kept looking at her time to time, as I hoped she didn’t knew what I was doing. She suddenly burst into giggles as if she knew all the way about my sneak peeks. She said you’re cute, and a lot weird, but I guess weird is what makes you different. I said: Please, don’t push me, I’m right on the edge, I’ll end up kissing you. Speaking of weird, her father showed up in middle of the conversation, first example of bad timing. I gave out random smile at him. But he seemed aghast, like he was not happy about something. But why take it out on me. I certainly got the feeling, he was not that friendly. I was in enemy territory, and the war was on. My smiling peace proposal was desperately rejected. I had to take steps. Instead, I didn’t speak another word until I was compelled to. It’s what happens when you don’t get a smile in return of a smile. He was knocking me down. He came close, I was literally shivering. I thought he’ll ask my name, so I kept on practicing my name in my mind. he spoke…: What caste do you belong to? I said: Sanket. Second example of bad timing. Then realized, its not what he asked for. I quickly managed: sorry?. He asked again; what is your caste? Clean headshot, there was no further discussion. This man was clinically insane. I had lost the battle without even firing a single bullet. I didn’t know what to say. I hadn’t come across this kind of awkward situation in my whole life. I was a student of a school where these matters were of less concern. It hardly came up during my schooling year. Angel was my life saver. She said daddy he’s a student from central board, very bright and even more helpful, he has come here to help me with maths, truth was I sucked at maths even more to what this conversation was leading to. He said, “so I’ll take it as you don’t know your caste, I suppose you can at least tell me your surname or your father’s name”. Another headshot, this one pushing the previous bullet out from back of my head. It was turning nasty. The man was asking for all the things except the one I provided, my first name. I replied uncle, its Sanket Banker. And its better if you just grab it as Sanket, cause that’s the one you’ll remember after 4 years. He felt my words and responded: what are you going to do? I said, score good in exams, so you’ll remember my name and won’t ask for any other details. My marks will speak for me. But I hope you all know what I really meant. He was silent for the first time, after all, the soldier was not dead yet. Anyhow he survived 2 headshots. Last thing he said was “we are xyz”. Xyz is some caste. Sorry I can’t disclose it right now. It’s not the right time. I have just 1 request to you guys please, help me spread this message. If you love someone, not of your own caste. Recommend this blog, recent and upcoming posts, to your friends or anyone you like. But please see to it this thing don’t get unnoticed. Help me spread the awareness if you think what’s happening is wrong. Because its what we do, when something don’t make sense, we pick a pen and put sense into it, so that it mean something to someone, anyone. I was going to write my break up story but I thought this story was meant to be told. The thing for you guys to know is, we are together, and always will be, moreover, the feelings that we share today is truly out of this world, even if it will seize my existence, I’ll die fighting for it. Because this is as far as it gets. No more castism.

Special thanks to all my dear friends for being with us. God bless you all. And I’ll be writing more just need your support. If you like this post, even a bit of it, please leave me a comment. It means a lot, I’ll take it as a blessing.

Love You All. :)

My First Love.

First of all I am not sure that this is the topic I might be able to do justice to but I just want to give it a little try.

For those of you who knows me today, might be shocked to hear that I was not a big fan of love and neither did I believed in God. The only thing I believed in was power of music and faith in flirting. A badass kid, too stubborn to admit his own emotions with sure as hell no chances of improvement. I was a good friend to few but, an admiral jerk to most. And I truly loved the way I was. But as it’s said something always changes...as change is the only thing that is permanent.

It all started from the 2^nd month of fresher year in college. Of course my parents were still pissed cause I had let down a good college to jump into this endless abyss that is the field of computer. So anyways, one day during lunch time I saw this girl whom I had barely noticed in my over a month’s drill to find the most hottest girl in the college. She was not like the other girls. She was completely different, well, at least to me. She rolled her big perfect round shaped brown eyes towards me. My heart was beating twice the speed of my brain’s thinking. She was wearing a pink embroidered salvar suit elegantly put on with a light shaded dupatta. A bundle of her thin long hair was talking to the air, rest were placed on her right shoulder. It was so beautiful, for a second I wondered if it was my heart or the Pink Floyd song playing out of my ipod’s earpiece resting on my shoulder. Her pink lips made me wonder id there was a God after all, cause it can’t be hand crafted by anyone else but a supreme might. The first words to come out of those lips were "Excuse Me”. My heart went supernova, I babbled like a baby, not able enough to stick even a 'Hello' out. I just couldn’t stop looking at her. It’s not like I haven’t seen girls prettier than her but there was something about her that made me take the fall. With all this going on I barely knew that I was just another dorky guy blocking her way. I got myself together and got out of her way. My mind knew it was just normal but my heart knew it was something else, because it was the first time I was afraid to talk to a girl. I thought it was just some crush gone crazy, because it’s always lust at first sight. But soon I realized it’s more than just lust. Meanwhile I was the same old notorious guy; there wasn’t a single day when no one has complained about my prank in the college bus. I had been inside the principal’s office more than any of my senior. I guess reputation was building up.

One day, call it luck or destiny the girl I had feelings for was the new girl in my bus. I knew it was my chance but somehow deep inside I feared what if it’s just some sort of attraction. It was too early to even think if the feeling was mutual, because let’s face it I wasn’t the cutest guy around. In addition to this fact, I had lost interest in all the other girls and missed out making friends with them. She came to know me as the prankster who couldn’t care less for anyone’s feelings but his own. I had a small bunch of friends and even small window of error to screw it up. Someday I gathered the strength and walked up to her and talk. It was just some formal talk, soon enough it was okay to call us friends, but if it had to end at friendship I wouldn’t be here writing this up. According to her I had a great sense of humor, she laughed at every single statement I made or maybe she was just playing dumb, I mean who the hell laughs at a fake Guajarati accent hardly sounding as a joke. Yeah, I am Guajarati but don’t know language well enough, and the worst part was she knew this but acted as it was fine with her.

Days Passed. It was the Navratri night celebration at college, I am not that into Garba and all, yeah of course I am a Guajarati but I am not that kind of a Gujarati, yeah sure I suck, first being a Gujarati and then for dealing with my feelings. Anyways, there wasn’t a single moment my eyes weren’t on her. She was looking so damn beautiful that I loved her then and there. She wore a traditional Chaniya Choli with a dozen of bangles put on each of her arm, I had to admit she had a touch of elegance and postures of an angel, my angel, yes I was dreaming already, but what else I could have done. Her earrings were long and heavy and shiny. Her necklace was less lustrous, I thought it would have been her mother’s or actually her Granma’s . She had this thing in her hair, I don’t know what to call it elongated towards her forehead. There was a tiny little Nathani pierced through her nose that made my evening and surely my fare for the evening well spent. Finally at the end of celebrations I got into the bus early, I was feeling sleepy the whole night, so I grabbed a nice seat and crashed there. When I woke up the bus was packed up and couple of students were standing in front of me hoping I was going to make some room for their tired ass to rest. I moved sideways and the first one I let in was a senior girl well dressed in Gujarati traditional. I was not done talking to this girl and a voice penetrated my ear and suddenly my heartbeat jumped to the sky. I knew it can’t be anyone else. She asked me if she could sit next to me. I said to myself dude stay calm and don’t panic and softly refuse or you will be up all night again not sure where to put your freaking feelings, but if it was that easy, life would have been much simpler and less worth living, so in justice to my point the words slipped out “I was hoping you would”. I thought to myself "are you out of your freaking mind?". But as it turned out, that night was the best night I could have ever imagined. We had a good talk and I am not going to describe that here. The important thing is that we became good friends after that night. Random smiles and waving became common. My lunch time routine was to run to the canteen as soon as possible just to see her. It was going nice and slow. On the other hand exams were approaching. Surely it was not a matter to worry as compared to my never before feelings. It might have been the last day of the fresher year. I mean, of course the exams were due but it was the last day before the preparation leave. I don’t know how I gathered the strength to ask for her cell number. She just smiled and gave me the number saying just give me a missed call so I can have yours too. I never thought it can be this easy. Finally it was happening.

15 days to go for exam. I had tried to call her for 100^th time for the day. But it was temporarily invalid. I texted her 4-5 times and finally forwarded her exam schedule which I wanted to give her over a voice call. After 1 hour or so I got a call from some unknown number. Holy shit man it was from her, as it turned out my texts or missed calls reached her somehow. She said that her SIM card’s validity has expired and she’s going to re-validate it within 2 days or so. Then we started talking on phone and it was mostly about studies. Days went on; we helped each other out and got through exams pretty well. Now it was the vacations and it was monsoon; our chats over the cell were increased exponentially. Moreover now it was turning to informal talks. We used to chat all night long and even more in the daytime. We hardly slept for more than 2 days. One night it was raining heavily, I don’t know what came to my mind I suddenly said “I love you”. She said we should go to bed right now, we haven’t slept for 2 nights. I thought she was pissed and I sensed that our friendship was in danger. But no damage had been done, next day she reacted like nothing had happened. She behaved as always but in the noon I got a text saying "ilu". Fuck man, it was not a dream, I literally fell off the bed, I dialed her number as soon as I can and ran off to the terrace. She picked up; before she could say anything I said I love you for more than 5 times. She tried to change the subject. But I kept on asking her if she loved me. I asked her why she sent me a text saying ilu. Now she had to say something for sure. She said of course I love you, you moron but the thing is that this kind of stuff is not allowed in our family. I said, then what the hell ilu meant? And the answer she gave me left me stoned, she said "I" means me "u" means you and "l" signifies a wall that is between us, that we can’t break, crack or even shake. A big giant that is made up of our caste differences, mentality, families, pride, reputations and lots of things we can’t even think of. My Father would prefer to watch me burned alive than to see me take a stand for the one I love, or in other words watch her daughter ripping apart her father’s reputation. I on the other side was completely blank unsure of how to put my jumbled thoughts into a sentence and make sense out of it. The only thing I was sure of was that I waited for this moment for so long and now it was here, there was no chance in hell I was going to blow it.

More in the next post.