Fucktards

Dealt with break-up. Free, I was free, just like any other single being out there. There were no constraints or boundaries. No more to care for. Its said that most awesome moments of life are best experienced when single. I thought as Barney said..an engineer, I build something out of nothing, just like God. And no one is hotter than God, so, any girl would fall for me. But why the hell I wasn't feeling that way? Why in the world do I keep punching myself with: dude its over, you are nothing more than the dirt in the dusk. You can never be what you were, and maybe it was true and now I know it is true once you step in this world you are never the same as the day before. Your older version is buried into the night and a new one arises with the morning sun. The things you do or don't decides your future. The choices you made don't just leave you alone. They follow you till the very end. It revolves around you time to time. The deja vu you witness on regular basis is just a glimpse of the choice that you didn't make. An alternate parallel universe exist for every choice you ever made and also for the road not taken. And this whole thing lead to a single dark hole known as abyss which, no one of us can ever escape. More importantly, at the moment I didn't had a choice. I thought I was approaching abyss. The pain was silent but able enough to kill at any instance. I lost my way of thinking, observing as well as talking. Confidence was long gone, and no where near returning. The only thing I can think of was the way my break up was executed by the so called God. The only talked about supreme being. And so, I am going to talk a lot about God in this particular blog. It was just 12th day and I had started loosing it. This break-up was getting on my nerves. I was really loosing it. Soon the magic in music was fading away. Everything that once looked beautiful to my eyes kept getting uglier day after other. But her face somehow kept getting much prettier day by day in my not much left conscious. And the desire of getting her back was off the rooftops and I feared that it might explode any second. Now it was over a month, I hadn't seen her for real. Moreover, I was most afraid to show her my face. I don't know why this kind of feeling housed me. But it kept punching me down deeper in to the ground. I stopped showing up at the collage. I locked myself into my home and hoped never to get out. I thought, by now everyone would've assumed that I was gone for good. My every moment passed wondering what she'd be doing? Would she be remembering me this very moment? Or is she over me and had all the memories flushed out of her system? What was going on her mind when she dumped me? Or did she really dumped me? Or was there some really messed up reason for us to part our ways? These all ridiculous questions bugged me throughout my healing process, which, is hard to refer as healing. But for the sake of this story lets have it this way.

Break-up with angel assured my break-up with my beloved cell phone which had become my second girlfriend ever since. And sooner we weren't sharing the same bed, nor it was found in my hands for more than a minute. I deliberately started missing each and every call appearing on my cell. My only communication link to the outer world was the old land line phone. Only a few of my friends had that number , yeah, obviously angel did too.

To take the edge off I registered on Facebook, currently the mother of all social networking websites. Finally, I had found a temporary remedy to suppress this hurt. I stayed logged in for almost 24 hours a day. Insomnia had hit me like a shovel, left me bleeding from head to toe. I always kept my chat status offline, in order to avoid any outer world contact. Thank God, I found 'Farmville' and 'Mafia Wars' , the small addictive games on Facebook that kept my mind functioning in such brutal situations. Yeah, I love games, each and every kind, from the yellow headed Pac-man to the bloody World of Warcraft. I spent most my time saving Mario's girlfriend when I was a young boy. After all video games are a poor substitute for life. Obviously, its better to have a poor substitute than to have none. All I needed was just a push from behind by some kind of inspiration. It would've been much better if it was to be a kick on the ass to give a jump start. But, when you need a thing the most, its never there.

There's one incident I would like to share with you guys, hope it helps you or rather inspires you in one way or the other. It helped me time to time, when I'm in a dark cold place.

Some of my school friends gathered to cheer me up. A lot of them didn't know what had happened since we all had been away. Many of them didn't even know I got committed in the first place. All that they knew was that I was feeling a bit low for some reason. And that is all they needed. Rascals somehow convinced me to go out for a movie giving me all “ for the sake of friendship” crap...notanki sale. And of course, I bought it. Dhrumil, was about to pick me up at a meeting point near the railway tracks, its close to my home, moreover, it was the farthest I can get if not on a vehicle. I slipped my chickeny legs into a dark black denim and threw on an off white short shirt, which I partially stuffed into my denim, leaving the upper second most button open. Which reminded me how angel always used to ask me or rather shout at me to button up that below collar button. Furthermore, I took a comb in my hand and looked at it for some seconds. I thought I had totally forgotten how to use this gadget. This also put angel's face in front of my eyes. I missed how she used to comb my messed up hair with her bare fingers. At the same time I felt a bit angry at myself for letting her go, being unable to stop her from leaving. So, I took the the comb and ran it through the barren land of my hair follicles over my head in a single breath. At times it made me scream as the comb teeth progressed through the cemented scalp. After a while, before leaving home, I felt like canceling the plan, but I didn't want to give fucktards any reason to scold me afterward. We all friends are so close that we always greet each others with a set of insults. So don't get any other out of the picture idea. And yeah you heard me right, “Fucktards” Is the word I used to refer to my school friends. In fact, my whole school friends group should be referred to as Fucktards, including me. Retarded in our own special way. Every single being on the group is only one of its kind. This made me take a trip down the memory lane and think of how crazy were the times we all had when together in school. Until this collage crap came and made us all move away. This seemed like a more appealing reason to meet up the guys. So I followed the plan. Unfortunately, my 4 more besties were away for some reasons. Tatla aka Nikhil was in jaipur preparing for his endsems. Gahlot aka Harshvardhan and Jambhale aka Abhishek were off to college and were not able to come. Bevda aka Bhajju aka Shivam was at his college in baroda. His nickname bevda does not suggest that he is a drunkard but its because of the facial effects he is capable of pulling.

Anyways, as soon as Dhrumil arrived we headed to Shakya's (aka Siddharth) home and then to Malu's (aka Anant). We were to meet up rest of the friends at the multiplex. Drumil was somewhat aware of my case, as he was a local, and we used to exchange some formal chitchats via texts. But he didn't ask me upfront, I thought its because it would screw up my mood. We were on time, for the first time I guess, as Sanchit and Aakash aka Khambha were smiling at us as if teasing us for being on time. I was feeling good to finally see my friends after a long time. We started chatting, cracking jokes, laughing, insulting, pulling each others legs, giving each other shit for not staying in touch, etc. I don't remember what movie it was but did remember every single bit of the fun we had. We got six continuous center seats, and every single person around those 6 seats was in deep shit. We all had a lot to talk about, that we whispered to each other in between the screening movie. Sometimes the voices got so loud that some of the faces directed towards the screen were forced to deflect towards us. But today as everyday, none of us gave a shit. The term Shakyan Laughter was coined after Shakya's laughter. Usually, laughter in a normal person is a normal phenomenon. But once set off in Shakya, I don't know exact time or thing that inhibits it. There's no way you can avoid or prevent it. Its meant to happen. This laughter is also known for getting us all in to a lot of trouble. But, it felt like I was back, the same as I was before, and among the same friends who were so special not a single thing felt wrong at that moment. I felt relieved . Everything was normal and the way it's used to be.

Khambha as ususal talking about girls. Khambha has only two things to talk about: 1:girls and 2: girls only. He is the largest girls database in a biological form. But I can tell you the feeling that I was experiencing, knowing that nothing is changed. And after that, it was official, as always me and Malu were talking about music and movies, we also discussed some new bands. Sanchit also joined and added a more good topic to the conversation, it was games, my favorite. Shakya as always added good humor and spread some awareness regarding new fancy computer stuff. Dhrumil was distributing free advise regarding what-to and what-not-to do when you are committed. Yeah of course, he was committed and yeah that to in as strange way. Which I am not going to state, cant disclose this much. But the thing for you guys to know is that it was complicated. And he too had problems, something common for us guys to talk about but, I preferred not to rush into it. Movie was soon over. We rolled to vishnu and stuffed ourselves with vadapavs. I didn't eat much, cause it made me wonder if angel was taking her meals regularly. From that moment onwards the whole amazing day was fading away in the dark. The darkness was pulling me to it. I started feeling like crap again. I didn't know why it was happening, the only thing I knew was that it was happening so fast that I cant adjust to it. I felt like calling her in the middle of everything. Keeping aside all the pain, the hurt, the friends, and my dead brain. But my cell was nowhere to be found. It was a very important as well as wonderful day which was turning into a bizarre nightmare. The pain was coming back strong than ever. Hurt was in full swing. And I was dusting into the ground. It was getting late so we finally bade goodbye to each other and jumped back on the vehicles screaming to each other “Contact me Rehna Haramio” .

It was me and Dhrumil now. He was driving the bike and I was in the back seat. And it was about time when his never ending questions started. I tried to answer them with best possible explanation I got. Than he started with his love story. Soon we arrived at the meeting point near the railway tracks. I got off the bike and started walking giving Dhrumil a look of goodbye but he asked me to stay and do a little catch up. I thought “oh, hell this is going to be great”. And the conversation went something like this..

Me: Why? Whats there to catch up?

He: You'll feel a little better if you'll just talk about how you feel.

Me (in my mind): oh yeah. Lets see, my heart's ripped out, my brain's a dead weight, me soul's torn, my spirit is worn, top of my head is killing me and I feel terrible about this plan to open up to you. I'll rather tie a rope around my throat and pull it until my tongue lays flat on the ground.

He: C'mon dude, I too have problems, it felt good when I talked to you about it on the way here. Okay just tell me exactly what happened and the words she said. I've been there. Maybe I can help you in some way.

This made me remember that on our way back he had told me his story and of course the great deals of problems he's going to go through. But I kept okaying and didn't get hold of any single scenario he was presenting. A good thing about Dhrumil is that ; he will keep continuing with his matter of talk even if we don't okay him in between or ask him any particular queries. He wont stop for anything until he says what he has to say. This help me a lot, in conversation, to take long pauses, and he didn't even mind it.

Me: Dude, seriously, there's nothing to talk about. If there had been something I would have told you guys. But honestly dude, it's nothing, I'm fine.

He: Okay, let me see your palm, I can read palm to some extent. I can tell you what awaits you or rather waits for you.

Me(in my mind): holy shit, man, is this day going to end anyway. First the pain and then this palmistry crap. Dude, you better lay it off before I get really pissed. And this hurt had made me really cranky so I can't guarantee your safe return to you home.

He pulled my hand. It was the first time I had looked at my hand after splitting with angel. She used to take both of my hands and join them flatly and crack into smiles looking at them. When asked why, she would say: here the uppermost horizontal line of both of your hands when joined make a shape of a half moon, it means you'll marry the love of your life. And yet here I was not with her even for the sake of her words. I got mad as well as angry.
He took my hand and started describing various things, which didn't interest me at all but suddenly the word suffer fell on my ears...

Me: What?

He: Every single line on your palm is distinctly visible and clear. And you have lots and lots of it. This indicates you have a lot of sufferings in life and in future too you will suffer a lot. Life is not going to be easy for you. You have to try a lot more than harder, in order to achieve what you desire.

So on and so on...

Me(in my mind): Buddy I'm already stoned. You are peeing on a stone. Its only going to shower back on you. Even numb can be said better compared to me.

He: You recently had your heart broken. And its so hard to mend that you blame all around you for it.

Me(in my mind): Dude I'm right on the edge, don't push me or I'll choke your throat with my bare hands and drag you to your grave.

He: You need to bounce back.I recommend baby steps at the beginning.

Me(in my mind): And I recommend baby kicks to your groin. From beginning till you scream out load “no more”.

He: The bump below your thumb on your palm makes me think you have a good sexlife.

Me(in my mind): Dunce, at the moment I don't have a life. What the hell makes you think I give a damn about my sexlife.

He: Of course, only if you have a girl in your life.

Me(in my mind): A word more and my fist and your face are going to do the talking.

He: and yeah, you'll never run into a good amount of money.

Me(in my mind): That's it, it official, Dhrumil Shah, you, as a human being no longer deserve to breath in a single molecule of oxygen, run like hell before I produce a pistol, cock it and pop it up your ass.


This torture was not over and we saw an old looking man coming our way. He was on a cycle. As he approached towards us, he was already on the ground holding the cycle by one hand and other to cover his mouth as he was sneezing. His eyes was moist and looked mostly like an ordinary man. But his aura was so soothing. He turned to me and asked..

Old man: Do you believe in God?

Me: Ya sure, I also believe in cyborgs, sent to earth to destroy homosepians.

Old man: Son, its not a joke. Do you believe in God?

Me: At this particular moment I don't have any good reason to justify if I believe in anything.

Old man: You can't be both angry and not believe in God at the same time. Believe in all the spirits and God and he'll solve your problems. You just have to trust him today.

Me: You can believe in all the Gods and spirits you want but when it comes to this world, don't be an idiot. Because on a busy highway, when it comes to crossing it alone, I know you look both ways. This is not something that you can talk me in to. You'll have to try harder to get me to believe something out of my perception. At this moment even I don't believe in myself , let alone all Gods.

Old man: Your friends trust you.

Me: Then, they are headed for disappointment.

Old man: God trusts in you.

Me: Even if I'm more of a recruiter of the other side.

Old man: Yeah, he loves every one of you, the way you are, selflessly.

Me: why did you say “every one of you”...what about you.

Old man: Here, take my hand and let me show you.

Me: Whoa, step back old man, don't even think of touching me.

But before I could do anything he held my hand and asked me to close my eyes and listen to every single word he says, very carefully. I don't know why but, his hand was cold and it spiked a rush of calmness through my veins. He started:

Don't waste time hovering upon your hurt, take chance, be brave and dig up to the core and there my friend you'll find all your answers you are looking for. Never doubt yourself, you are always right, cause you always listen to your heart. In life always know what you want to do or what you want, and how far are you willing to go for it. Your destiny is never pre-written. It's not something to write. You are the architect, design it the way you want. And always remember, God helps those who fights and helps themselves to outshine among the others. Fear is your worst enemy. Never be afraid of it, instead try and put a face on it, so that you can know what you are afraid of. And once you put a face on it you can beat it or better use it. Its up to you to make yourself special. Son, this is why a green leaf floats and yellow sinks in the water. And Its never the end of anything, if you want it more than anything, it will be yours, but be pure at intentions, they are your only assets who can justify your actions in any situations. Never mourn. Always fight back.

After this session of weird things I bade Dhrumil goodbye and got back home. I was lying in the bed and said 1 thing to myself, you exactly know what you want, only problem is you don't know how to get it, but unless you get up and get a heads up, you will be stuck in this stinking hole for the rest of your life. I love her, why afraid of it. And I think if I try she'll know it too. I took out the notebook she had given me and read it all over again and again until I felt that it cant hurt me anymore. And most of all I found a way to fight back.

Even today, when I feel depressed I hold on to that note book and think that nothing can get worse than this. You'll surface this sooner or later. I don't know if there exist a God or not, I don't even have any view on it, but guys the incident that happened that day was life changing.

Then I found my cure in words and literature. Whenever I read something inspiring I was at top of my mood. Nothing can spoil it..some lines that can inspire you..

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark,
in the hopeless swaps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all.
Do not let the hero in your soul perish,
in lonely frustration for the life you deserved,
and have never been able to reach.
The world you desire can be won.
It exists.
It is real.
It is possible.
And it is yours.

Thank you all..
and most of my thanks to my dear friends for being so amazing characters in real, everything around you guys is an adventure out of this world.
Dedicated to all my School Friends ...love you guys...:)