Metalhead

Whom would you call a Metalhead? Yeah, Metalhead. The word itself makes you think of a dorky white kid roaming around in his low bottom waist cut denims, long bleached or rare maroon straight hair hovering all over the face, more than 1 parts of the body pierced, dim witted, adequately drunk, screaming rage tattoos from head to toe, high on drugs, who just can’t get enough of his headphones and had got no religion other than to listen to the most heavy metal bands. But in reality there’s more than that in that guys, the only thing that makes them different is their perception towards life, love, hate, music and every other thing that we can think of. I want you guys to know what a true Metalhead is all about, cause I’m one of them. All above written things are bullshit. Metalheads do not follow a specific look or all listen to the same bands. According to Urban Dictionary, What's considered "metal" is so diverse and open ended that there are tons of different types of Metalheads. You've got your mainstream nu-metal/metalcore, thrash, death, black, power, grind, all of that kind of stuff, and everybody enjoys different kinds of metal outside of the mainstream Metalheads and perceptions of them. You don't have to exclusively listen to Slayer, Metallica, or Cannibal Corpse. Hell, you don't even have to like any of the "classic" bands. You don't need to be a long haired, dim-witted delinquent either. Or drink/do drugs. You can dress however you want; you wouldn't be able to tell some Metalheads apart from people who despise metal because they look the same. As long as you like some form of the metal spectrum, it's all good. Cause that’s how you actually relate your life to something that makes sense.

Sorry guys I had to waste one para telling you all the above crap. it’s just because I want you guys to be a Metalhead for this post, don’t try to judge, have a wide perception, I don’t want you guys to be narrow minded. Because as soon as I begin this story you’ll start taking sides. So, I wanted you ‘all to b very clear that sometimes you take some decisions not because it will hurt someone or other in any way but because, at the moment nothing else seems right. And also it’s never too late to let go off the mistakes you had done. Because sometimes, plain reality is not plain enough.

Metalheads coexist with normal humans, just like the parallel universes, they are not allowed to socialize with normal humans. It’s against the rules of Mother Nature. Apparently, I was the recent Metalhead who not only broke out but also got committed. I was the one disturbing the balance between parallel universes. And as you all know Mother Nature’s a bitch, my sins were going to come back and bite me in the ass. And finally one day my leash expired. The day arrived.
Since we got together things were going pretty great, except some misunderstandings here and there, but all together manageable. One morning, I felt like my bed was shaking like hell. It got me to wake up all of a sudden. After gaining cautiousness, I realized it was my cell not the bed, which was vibrating breathlessly. Yeah, this is one of the bad habits of committed people; they think of their mobiles as their loved ones and can’t let them out of their sight for a second, and even sleep next to them. I stared at the mobile screen for a while, it said angel calling. I wondered why she was calling. Though, every morning she used to leave me a good morning message. Of course, she was the early riser. She made sure that my every morning begins with her good morning message. It’s a wonderful feeling. It fills you with strength to fight through the day. Nothing else feels good. It changes you faster than you can think. You always expect the person to be the same; you don’t want anything to change between you. The way she looks at you, the way she makes you feel, the way she cares, talks, listens, you want it all to remain the way it is forever n ever. But the truth is people changes, if not for always than at least during certain circumstances. I don’t know how many of you out there are in love, and if whether any of you have noticed that music feels more magical than ever. You can literally listen to even the single vibration off the guitar string. You will even love the power packed high hat drum beats. Your observation power becomes so powerful that you can even apply to be a special agent working for the government. And then when you try to get used to it, life snaps you out of it just within a blink of an eye. Anyways, it was her 8th call this morning. I stood up, dialed her number as fast as I can. She picked up the phone and answered:

She: Where the hell have you been?

Me: In bed, why, what happened?

She: nothing, God, next time I’ll prefer waking up kumbhkaran rather than you.
Yeah it was an outdated joke but I don’t know how it made me smile. I guess it is the morning atmosphere; or rather it was just her.

Me: so how come you are calling in these hours of the day? Isn’t it the busiest hours in your house?

She: yeah, it is if my parents are around. But today it’s just us kids home. I’m home along with my sisters and some of mine cousins have paid a visit. Mom and Dad left early this morning and are not returning till night, so we’ll be chatting all day long. Isn’t it great?

Me: yeah, awesome. Looking forward to it.

She: I wanted to meet you but, I think rain has other plans. And also I can’t get out of the house saying nothing. I hope it’s okay, sweetie.

Me: yeah it’s okay. Just one thing.

She: yeah.

Me: I gotta pee.

She: euww...go pee. I’ll talk to you later. Love you.

Me: love you too.

I dealt with all my morning business and then waited for her call. She called around 12 in the noon. We had a long lovy dovy chat, which I’m not going to present. She ended the call saying I’ll call you later. But there were no more calls that day. I called her like a thousand times. Texted her, But no replies. Late in the night I got a text from her saying ”I’ll be giving you a notebook in the college tomorrow, it’s about my life, please read it”. I tried calling her but she switched off her cell. I got scared. My mind went into an endless loop of thinking over every past life possibility known to man. It’s too obvious to say I didn’t sleep that night. Kept turning from side to side. There were times where I fell off too. I tried listening to music and lighten my impulse. But the strange thing was that music didn’t help at all. Oh my God, what m I turning into. What’s happening to me? It never occurred to me that music can’t calm my head. It was the worst nightmare I witnessed while I wasn’t asleep, and it kept getting worse.
Somehow I survived through the night and packed up some strength to deal with what was going to come my way. I stepped into the bus and started waiting for her stand. It arrived and so did she. She didn’t had the courage to look at my faced but surely managed a smile while looking towards her feet. I walked up to her and asked..hey.! Is there something bothering you? You can tell me its fine. She looked at me trying to say something but was able to put ”you didn’t get much of sleep last night”. Yeah, but her eyes were red too. I offered ”how come you didn’t sleep?” she replied: look there something I need to tell you, I don’t know how to tell you face to face so here this notebook, take it and read it. And I hope you’ll understand. I was like oh my fucking God. This was definitely leading to a break up talk. I mean who are we kidding. “I hope you’ll understand”. Who the hell talks like that? I didn’t say a single word on my mind to her but was certainly freaked out. She slipped out a less than 100 paged notebook out of her backpack. She handed that to me, and signed me to leave. Every single hair on my body was standing at that particular moment. My mind was bragging about ”you should have stayed single ” crap and my heart just won’t stop bouncing. The book had some spooky faces at the top and some description about the caste and all stuff. I’m sick of these guys, they are even putting these stuff on notebooks. With my right shaking hand I opened it. It had some of its starting pages torn off. Clearly a sign of “ she was not good at break up letters”. Second thing I noticed was a never ending strings of Gujarati alphabets doing the “your are screwed” dance. I lost my calm. What the hell. Is she trying to give me a stroke? She must be out of her dang skulls. Who the hell knows how to read Gujarati? I don’t have time to take this over to the chemist so that he can somehow crack the message encrypted. I felt like throwing it out of the window. But I had to know what was in that. I thought Gujarati is just like Hindi minus the over lines. But it was not, and I didn’t realize it until I finished 18 pages of explanation. Every single thing in Gujarati. And these incidents followed a complete nervous breakdown. It was something like this:
After I talked to you yesterday, I found that one of my elder cousins was listening to all of our talks and later he talked to me or rather warned me that if I ever go against our family, it won’t be good. You forgot what happened last time. Yeah Sanket, I wanted to tell you this earlier but didn’t have the strength. I had a friend , a boy but not boyfriend, and sure as hell didn’t love her. But I had a feeling he had feelings for me. This was back in 12th class. He was in 1st year college and lived in my society. There was nothing more than some exchange of books and outdated study stuff but he decided to let me know that he loved me. One day he borrowed my maths book and then he put a chit inside it saying 143. I was so stupid those days I didn’t even knew what 143 meant. The idiot planted the chit in my maths book and handed it to my little sister to pass it on to me. But that night the book got into my cousin’s hand and he disclosed this to my parents without even asking me what was going on. Everyone thought that I was having an affair. Moreover, I dint get to explain myself. That night my father made it very clear that if I’m with any guy anyhow, the next thing I was gonna witness is my father’s grave and I don’t want to be a killer, and I can tell you, he was not bluffing. The chest pains were real. So whether you like it or not I can’t continue this relationship any further assuming everything will be fine. Because I remember the look on my father’s face, every bit of it. It haunts me in ways you can’t even imagine. I’m glad that I ran into a caring and loving guy like you and won’t forget you for the rest of my life but we can’t be together anymore. Take good care of yourself. You are a nice guy. Just don’t hide your emotions behind your witty humor, and not yourself behind the jerk you pretend to be, every single girl can fall for you. Last but not the least, I’m not in a position to say I love you or even I don’t love you because its better you don’t get even the slightest idea of it because I know you don’t give up easily. You’ll find your answers in music this day or the other. I know you won’t forget me. But I hope you forgive me. Wish you a happy life ahead. Bye.

I stepped out of the bus and ran as fast as I can towards the college’s main gate. I needed to pass out of there as soon as possible. But the bloody watchmen wont let me. I had to go to the class but I didn’t. I bunked a series of lectures, until I got a text from angel saying: Where the hell are you. Get into the lecture right now or the H.O.D will slice your head off. I replied: you meant of what’s left of it. Then I got couple of texts but I didn’t read it. Felt they were meaningless compared to my current situation. I was at the terrace of the main building. I was feeling droopy. I skipped breakfast this morning and didn’t have anything to eat and it was 2 in the noon. I was starting to feel my stomach shrink. It made various sounds. I just wanted to go home. Didn’t mean to create a scene. But you can’t have what you want. Most of my friends came to know. Everyone was out there looking for me to convey their condolences or to just rub it in my face. But after some time I got a call from angel, she said: hold one seat for me in the college bus in the 2 seater. We will talk on our way home. I didn’t listen to her and hung up. But as I made my way into the college bus she was waiting with an empty seat next to her. I freaked out but as every other seat was taken I had to sit somewhere. I took the spot. She said what you eat? I remained silent. She continued: I know you are upset and you have every right to be. But just think about it. There nothing I can do. Even if I’m able to convince my father, it’s not it. We are a joint family of four brother’s including my father. Every decision that is to be made has to run through the each four of them. And they won’t allow us of anything they refer to as stupid. They can harm you and your family in many different twisted legal ways. And I don’t want that for you.

I interrupted with: do you love me?

She said: it’s not about if I love you or not.

I hammered on “do you love me?”.

She : I think you need to ask that question to yourself. Do you think I love you? Cause it’s not about what I think. It’s about what you think and will it change under any circumstances?

Me: What do you mean?

She: Nothing, you’ll have a better life with me not in it.

Me: But it won’t be the life I want.

She: Think of it as it was never meant to be. We can’t outrun these worldly things. You have to let me go.

Me: I mean it to be. And I never said we had to outrun anything. I just want to be with you. Have you ever seen me smile like I smile when I’m with you? Why do you think a guy like me who gets bored yawning waited this long just to hear you say out loud the word he never imagined would come out of your mouth?

She: That’s the part you don’t understand. The way you feel with me and I feel with you will always remain exclusive. The moments I shared with you, they won’t repeat themselves with anyone else. That’s the beauty of it and I don’t want to ruin those moments by endangering our relationship to any bloodshed that love will bring for us. There will never be anyone else, but you. I love you. But I can’t be with you.

Me: So, that means I’m the guy, but according to you can never be the guy for you.

She: The memories you have given me will not fade in time. You’ll always be the guy I’ll be thinking of when the sun rises and set.

Me: What memories have I given you? We haven’t been on a single date, not even a movie or small walk.

She: It doesn’t have to be that way. It doesn’t have to be official. Doesn’t the small walks to the canteen and bus counts?

Me: Yeah they does but, I have so many memories to make yet. I always dreamt of walking right next to you in the rain holding your hand. Your head resting on my shoulders. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been there. It all feels so real. I can’t give up now. I’ve gone too far. I can never go back to my old life. It will never be the same. I can’t even think of a life without any good morning message from you.

She: I’m not going anywhere, at least not until these college years. I’ll be there for you every time, as your friend. All I’m asking is that please don’t expect anything from me. I fear I’ll end up hurting you. And good morning messages are not going anywhere.

Me: Today I know exactly what I want from life. This break up will soon turn into patch up. Love stories are stories until you try and turn them real. All it needs is a try. Cause I don’t wanna end up crying over my past and regretting not trying. And when I’m done convincing you, we’ll think of something to try and convince your father and other family members. I love you.

And that was the last thing I told her while grabbing her hand when she was about to leave as her stop arrived. I was ready for the healing to begin but, it’s not as simple as you think. When I reached home I switched off my cell, and landed on my bed thinking of what I was going to do. It was a week since I've been to college. For past few weeks I had practically lived in my denim. Mom and Dad were so upset. But I had nothing to say that could cheer them up. They kept on asking is there anything bothering you at college, and I kept denying. Then, along came Eminem. He’s seriously a fucked up dude but at the time exactly the one I needed. It always help you, when you know that there’s someone else in the world whose life is even more fucked up than yours. Eminem was the kind of hand I needed to pull me through darkness. I have literally listened to his every song. It makes you feel better. And moreover made me the Metalhead I am now. It made me realize, there are so many different ways you should look at life. Don’t be so narrow minded, and sooner I realized angel did what she had to do, and I had a very clear idea what I had to do. It’s never been so clear before. Soon the pain was going away, not the memories. But for the time it was best for me.